If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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