actually, I'm a sock model
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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