I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
