you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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