there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
