I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
