You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
