before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i think im in europe. pls send help
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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