I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though