You made me cry and you don't even care
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
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I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
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Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.