Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.