Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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