I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
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Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
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Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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