I just threw up on my dentist
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I cut my penus on the lid.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose