i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I touched a dick in church today
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
