first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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