You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Send help, water and tortillas.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
