Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
