why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
