Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
