3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
