I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
