i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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