Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
