i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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