I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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