FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
