Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
