I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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