just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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