Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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