I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
