Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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