Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
