Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Never joke about your clitoris.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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