she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
