insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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