So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
