Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
