"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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