My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
