Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
