Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
