i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
