Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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