were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
