I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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