I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
There's always time for handjobs
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
