Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
