some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
