I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
