I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
