I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i now understand why vodka
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
