does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
