when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Come back. Shots need mouths.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
