why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Randomize
