oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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