Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
