i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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