Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
