Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My ass is underappreciated
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
