He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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