They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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