I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
